It has been some kind of week for me. I started it on a somewhat emotional journey when I found out that one of my brothers really good friends was killed in Afghanistan. His name was Marc Small and he and Paul (and several other guys) were really close throughout their Special Forces training. It is hard whenever anyone looses their life but this just really hit because I hurt for Marc's family and for Paul and his buddies. So, with that said if you can pray for Marc's family, girlfriend and his buddies as they grieve and celebrate his life.
The rest of the week has been typical mommy trials probably. Just feeling very inadequate in dealing with these two little guys. Constantly questioning my parenting and choices and if I am scarring them for life. In the same moments that I am feeling sorry for myself I am also hearing myself saying "get a grip".....as many of you may be doing too. I know that so many have it much worse....more kids, no help ever, kids with disabilities, etc. I am very blessed to have two healthy and full of life kids:) I am lucky to have a husband and daddy to these boys (even when he does work late). So why do I feel like I am in a hole with nothing to pull myself out of it. I can tell you a big reason is I am not leaning in the right area for strength. I started a ladies Bible study this week (which I cried all the way too and tried very hard to talk myself out of). It is at the church we have been attending and they offer childcare and it is once a week on Thursday mornings so I really had no excuse. I got there and just hoped I could get through it without the tears coming in front of ladies I was meeting for the first time (I don't know anyone else attending). I kept my composure and felt really good for the first 3 minutes after the study. Then I had to get my boys and go to the restroom with both of them. That was of course after trying to pry them away from the candy they had spotted on the table. I am carrying Blake and trying to keep a handle on Caden. I get in the restroom and all three of us squeeze into a stall with my bags, our coats, etc. Caden is trying to go potty and I am trying to keep Blake from sticking his hands in the toilet. So then I finally get to go potty and luckily I had my pants up before Caden decides to swing the stall door wide open:) So needless to say any confidence I had from our lesson was gone. I know it doesn't sound like much but is the way it compounds from day to day. It is so exhausting constantly repeating...."caden go potty now", "caden share", "blake do not poor your snack on the floor", "get your coats on", "get your shoes on", "caden leave blake alone", "do not jump on the couch", "Caden and Blake please eat your lunch or dinner and stop playing".....on and on and on. I know this is no different than any other mom out there, but I also know that you can probably relate.
Our Bible study looks at the life of David and there are several points that have really been echoing in my mind. This lesson (on video) was taught by Priscilla Shirer...who is great by the way, I had never heard her before. One question she asked was "are you in those discouraging years?" Well she pointed out that David was anointed by God at the age of 15. It was 22 years later before he became King and living to the fullest of that anointing. However he had all he needed to watch his sheep, to face the lions, and to defeat Goliath. God had equipped him with all he needed. As Christians we have the same anointing that David had and God has fully equipped us to face whatever Giants we may have before us also. So my job is to make the presence of God the central focal point of every decision I make. It sounds so easy, so why is it such a challenge? I was driving to the gym this morning as I was fighting the tears and taking deep breaths and thinking about women and moms in the bible. All of them seemed to easily surrender there children to the Lord and his work. I know it was probably tough but I wish there were some great lessons on how they dealt with toddlers:) I am sure in several years I will want to know how to deal with teenagers and will probably be wishing they were toddlers again. So I need to come to grips with the reality that raising these boys is not my ability but God's. When I am yelling at them though I don't know that I am glorifying God:(
So, I am really glad it is Friday night and Jason will be home this weekend. I am going to pray really hard that i will handle the challenges much better next week. Thanks for humoring me and letting me vent.
The picture I am posting with this blog has nothing to do with the blog but was taken today of Caden and Allie (our neighbor). She came over today to play for a little (mainly because Caden asked her to play and I didn't want to stand outside in the cold). I thought this was really cute of them sitting together and Caden reading to her. There are so many good moments of being a mom that I wish I could always stay on the high from those. Such as when Caden and/or Blake sit in my lap and just snuggle. The cute little baby cheeks that Blake still has:) Night night hugs and kisses and the cute things they say. The way they light up when they see me or there daddy. I wouldn't trade it I just wish I could do it with more grace:)
2 comments:
Oh girl, hang in there. It's good to get the emotions out whether it's by crying or writing it out. We care so much which is why it's so hard! I am still surprised so often by how difficult being a mom is at times. I hope you can find encouragement at the Bible study and with these other women. It's hard when one day can be really good and the next day it's like you can't stop blowing it over and over; we've all been there.
xoxo
I know how hard it is sometimes. I have to admit, I sometimes actually choose not to go out to public places by myself because of how difficult it is to handle my kids alone. And just like you, there have been so many times that I have cried in frustration when dealing with them. Being a mom is like being on a roller coaster. The highs and lows are so extreme. Happiness and joy at their cuteness and then tears and frustration at not knowing exactly how to deal with them. I wish I had some wonderful advice to tell you, but I don't. Just know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. There are so many of us that are right there with you.
Post a Comment